The Future of Kayakfishing III: Tournaments

Post Reply
User avatar
H2Oz
Posts: 49
Joined: Tue May 12, 2015 2:21 pm

The Future of Kayakfishing III: Tournaments

Post by H2Oz »

My friends, in the past, many kayakfishing tournaments have been quite successful. But, let's face it, we're NEVER going to be a MAJOR sport in this country until our events get major live television coverage from the big TV networks. And, folks, that means we're going to have to bring in people who understand SHOW BUSINESS! The American public wants SPECTACLE, and the following transcript should give would-be kayakfishing tournament promoters a general idea of how this can be done:

--------------------

BACKGROUND SOUNDS SWELL UP TO A CRESCENDO, MARCHING BANDS WITH THUNDERING DRUMS AND THE FRENZIED CHEERS OF THE HUGE CROWD.....

BIFF BOFFKO (shouting hoarsely in the staccato machinegun cadence of 1930's newsreel reporters):

From all across this great land, they've come to this tiny spot at the end of the road! From the empty wheatfields of Kansas and the crowded crime-ridden ghettos of the North, from the bloody stockyards of the Midwest and the hallowed halls of academe, they've come to this mosquito-infested hellhole on the Lost Coast of Florida! Little kids with big dreams and old men seeking lost redemption, and they're all here for one reason and one reason only --- to play The Game! America's Game! Not baseball or football or any of those other limp-wristed so-called contests between knuckle-dragging brutes who enjoy showering together! No, my friends, America's Game is Kayakfishing!

And, ladies and gentlemen, the gladiatorial grudge match we'll be witnessing today is The Big One, the barn burner, the one for all the marbles, the World Series AND the Super Bowl of Kayakfishing combined, the 27th Annual Snowbird Island Kayakfishing Tournament!

They've been pouring in here since midnight, with their pool-noodle-padded trailers and roof racks and truck beds, with every kind of fishing kayak you could imagine, sit-on-tops and sit-insides and those godawful things you squat on like a hobby horse! Pit crews are hovering nervously over tankwells and hatchcovers at this very moment, and the steely-eyed pilots are carefully adjusting the waistbands of their flame-resistant cargo shorts and AC/DC t-shirts!

And the fans have been pouring in here, too! Mom and Dad and Buddy and Sis, REAL Americans, not the kind of dim-witted couch potatoes who attend OTHER so-called sporting events, but the kind who will look you right in the eye and yell, "Clear off, you spotjumping stinkbarge scumbag, this is KAYAK Country!"

INCOHERENT SHOUTS AND SCREAMS OF OUTRAGE ARISE IN THE BACKGROUND.....

BOFFKO (excitedly):

Wait a minute! Wait a minute! There's some kind of commotion down in the crowd and the police are moving in! Let's go to our on-the-beach reporter, Marvin Bledsoe, LIVE! Marv? Can you hear me? What's going on down there?

BLEDSOE (breathing heavily):

Everything's under control down here now, Biff! Apparently, an elderly woman who is a big fan of one of the major contestants here today, GILs_GONE_WILD, was holding up a sign with his name on it, and two college girls ran up to her and exposed themselves, thinking they were on TV! The police have hauled them away now and..... wait..... yes, the paramedics giving the old woman CPR are giving us the thumbs up! She's gonna be OKAY, Biff! Back to you!

BOFFKO:

Thanks, Marv! Now, folks, we're only moments away from.....

--------------------

You see what I mean? THIS kind of stuff brings in the BIG sponsors, the BIG money, the BIG crowds. Imagine the day when the playing fields of our major US stadiums are flooded three feet deep and stocked with finger-slashing Amazonian Vampirefish! When bouncing bimbos in microscopically tiny thong bikinis make cheerleading interesting again. When referees zoom around on zebra-striped skidoos covered with sparklers. When the President of the United States himself can throw out the first lure. When that retarded non-kayakfishing brother-in-law of yours can paint himself blue and jiggle his man-boobs on the Jumbotron.

Want YOUR next tournament to be a roaring success? It takes SHOW BUSINESS PEOPLE to make that happen!

Consequently, I'd like to offer my services as an experienced announcer and professional Kayakfishing Internet Personality. And while, at this exact moment, I am unable to attend such events in person, you can still write to me here at the Florida Institute for the Involuntary Confinement of Poor Schmucks Stuck With Visiting Non-Kayakfishing Relatives-in-Law On an Otherwise Beautiful Day.

Sincerely,

Capt. Biff Boffko

PS -- Just kidding. My brother-in-law is a great guy, and what kind of idiot would want to be kayakfishing when he could spend six hours hearing about the used tire business in Bug Tussle, Alabama?
Post Reply