The Future of Kayakfishing

[H2Oz]

Studies conducted recently show that, since 2000, the average human attention span in developed countries has dropped from 12 seconds to 8 seconds. (On average, fish are believed to have a nine-second attention span.) The studies conclude that "more digital lifestyles" are to blame.

At the same time, multiple studies have shown that there are less fish in most bodies of water, from the oceans to lakes to rivers. Nowadays, there are even flyfishing blogs whose authors have become so desperate that they specialize in stalking coarse fish in polluted urban waters such as ditches and drainage retention ponds.

The answer to both of these problems is obvious: it's time to start fishing for humans.

Imagine a crowded marina on a foggy morning in the near future. Fishing kayaks, which once came in bright colors, are now mostly camo-patterned, a background color of polluted water decorated with a hodgepodge of representations of rotting dock pilings, bassboat transoms, floating beer cans, etc. A small group of Beavis-laughing retards are shambling down a dock, obliviously thumbing their mePhones, headed for their rocket-powered floating snowmobiles, when a brand new mobile minutes card suddenly appears on the dock just ahead of them, and begins to twitch slightly, as if disturbed by the breeze.

Mere yards away, a modern kayakfisherman floats silently and undetected, his buff disguised as a crumpled fast food wrapper, the sleeves of his fishing shirt camouflaged with realistic representations of floating Mountain Dew bottles, rusty license plates, a single waterlogged flipflop, and so on. His aging mind yearns for the once all-too-often thrill of the hookup.

Now is the time when all those patient hours at his card-decorating vise -- the carefully painted corporate logo, the artful concealment of the hooks -- is about to pay off. Now is the time when that carefully practiced cast and retrieve, that fretful decision over whether to "walk the dog" or just "puddle it", will come to fruition. The moment when that raring-back Olympic hammer-thrower hookset will result in another miss, or in that moment of truth, when the hooks bite deep, the thrill of "The Scream" echoes across the water, and "The Fight" begins.

True, the day of the crankbait and the jerkbait and the swimbait are gone, but a new era of kayak sportfishing has begun. In a nearby waterfront town, a jelly donut twitches its way down the sidewalk near the police department, a shiny new USB stick darts and pauses across the slickly buffed floor of an IT department, a new rubber-wheeled Urban Systems Tarpon 120 silently skulks up to a takeout window. An asphalt-piercing stakeout pole is rammed down, a classic Redfish Wrench stands ready to lip another careless device-thumber. The internet abounds once again with grip-and-grins, weary kayak warriors proudly holding aloft their still-twitching lawyers and city planners and web designers, YouTube crammed with videos like "My 6-Year Old Daughter Picking Off a Skateboarder With Her Pink Barbie Zebco".

So stand tall, my kayakfishing brothers and sisters! Don't give up your dreams. The polluters and the developers will soon turn the entire planet into a 100-story concrete slum populated largely by corporate-koolaid-huffers, but a new age of kayakfishing glory is just around the bend.

Trust me, a tongue-hooked energy drink addict trashing his way across a crowded freeway is going to give a whole new meaning to the term "sleigh ride".

Sincerely,

Ol' Sarge

(FULL DISCLOSURE: While it is true that I am a heavy early investor in such lures as the new Triple-Ganged CopperTop D-Cell Diver, the Rapala Original Floating Fake Rolex, Honeybun-Flavored Gulp, and so on, there is absolutely no truth whatsoever to the scurrilous rumor that mornings when I am unable to go kayakfishing automatically cause me to hunch over an old-fashioned keyboard with a gallon of dark roast and a couple of breakfast fatties.)

PS -- You can nail Goth chicks with a #10-hooked tube of black lipstick, too, but it's considered ecologically correct to clip all the other hardware off their faces before throwing them back.

[Manning]

Too much time on your hands and yes we love it.

[Rik]

Boga Grip will have to soon come out with a larger jaw model with an increased scale. Pictures of jaw hung hipsters will soon fill the kayak fishing forums!